I wrote you a poem
by ninjaturtle
Summary: It always hurts when someone you love dies. WARNING: character death. No more chapters, I just removed the second one, cos it was stupid and pointless... but feel free to read anyway


I wrote you a poem

Disclaimer: I don't own them, and I'm only 15 so don't bother trying to sue me. I don't own the poem at the end either. It is by and anonymous author and there are various versions of it that can be found on the net. If you want a copy of one of the other versions just e-mail me and I'll send it to you.

Rating: PG-13 

Spoilers: None

Warnings: Deals with character death and attempted suicide/self harm

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"Attention on deck. The Admiral has an announcement to make."

Tiner's voice rang across the bullpen as the Admiral exited his office. The JAG staff stood immediately at attention, their eyes focused worriedly on the Admiral. He looked like something was seriously wrong and they all dreaded what it was that he was about to tell them.

"I don't know how to tell you this, but...as you were no doubt aware, Commander Rabb was out on a mission in Moscow." The Admiral took a deep breath and prepared to continue. Mac's stomach was tied in knots. If the Admiral was having this much trouble saying whatever it was he had to say, then it must have been something serious. 

"The plane that the Commander was on was shot down over the Atlantic. The search and rescue teams went out there but there were no survivors, nor could a body be found. I'm sorry." 

"Oh God, please, no, NO" the desperate voice of Colonel Sarah Mackenzie was heard through the bullpen as her legs gave way and she collapsed into a sobbing heap on the floor. No one dared to even get close, except for Harriet. Even she kept her distance though, kneeling on the floor beside Mac but not so close that she was touching her. If Mac wanted some comfort then she was there, but otherwise she wasn't going to get in the way. 

"Why, Harm, why now?" She whispered through the sobs that were racking her body. Harriet watched curiously as her hands went to her neck and clasped around something that was on the end of the chain. She gave a forceful tug on the chain and it broke, leaving her with it dangling loosely in her hand. She dropped the chain and instead focused her attention on the object which had been hanging from it. It was an engagement ring, which Harm had given her a month beforehand. They had decided that she could keep it around a neck until the could work out how to tell the Admiral and avoid fraternisation charges at the same time. With shaking fingers she slipped it onto her left hand and looked up at Harriet, who was still next to her.

"That's where it was meant to be" she whispered to her blonde friend "but we didn't know how to tell the Admiral so we decided to keep it quiet for a while..."

"How long, Mac" Harriet ventured to ask. She knew that in this state, Mac would not appreciate being called "ma'am", so she deliberately left if off. 

"Four weeks, six days, fifteen hours, twelve minutes. He took me back to the rose garden and everything..." She trailed off, not being able to finish what she wanted to say. Harriet simply held out her arms and Mac climbed into them and continued to sob. No one cared that they were sitting on the floor of the bullpen at the moment. No, the office was grieving for a good officer, a fine man and a wonderful friend.

Three days later

1930

Cemetery

The funeral was hard on everyone who was there. Harm had been well liked among the staff and for good reason too. He had been kind and caring and he was easy to get along with. Everyone had taken his death hard, but to Mac it was more than the loss of a friend. More than the loss of her fiance even. It was the loss of her best friend in the entire world. The man who meant the world to her and was her reason for getting up and going to work every morning. The man who was the other half of her. During the funeral, Mac got up and said a few words for Harm, pouring out her emotions into what she was saying. 

"Harm was a navy commander, a pilot and the best friend and partner anyone could ever possible have. Now I know that all of you who know me are expecting me to say something about how much I loved him and how I wished that we'd told each other our feelings sooner and worked our relationship out, but I'm not. Yes I did love him, and still do, more than life itself. But I'm not going to say that we never got a chance to know what it would be like for us to be together, because we did. Harm was not only my best friend but he was also my fiance." 

There were many gasps and surprised glances, as no one except Harriet had known this and Mac had asked her not to tell anyone.

"We had been together for about 6 months, and five weeks and two days ago, he asked me to marry him. All I want to say about him is that from the moment I met him, even when I didn't know him, I knew that there was something special about him. Harm was an amazing man and I could never possibly forget him. I don't think anyone could." 

By the end of her speech the tears were flowing freely down Mac's face and she stepped down, only to have her legs collapse under her. Harriet caught her and helped her back to her seat and held her while she cried. 

Mac stood by the closed casket, staring at the wood. There had been no body recovered, even though the bodies of most of the passengers had been found. She didn't know how she was going to survive. The pain inside her was so great and it felt like someone had just ripped her heart straight out of her chest. _I wish_ she thought. _The physical pain of having someone cut open your chest would dull the emotional pain. Besides, it couldn't feel any worse than this. _She placed a kiss on the casket and whispered "I love you, Harm, wherever you are."

When the service was over, she caught a taxi back to her apartment. She let herself in and immediately collapsed on the sofa sobbing for all she was worth. She cried for Harm, her flyboy, she cried for the children they would never have, she cried for the hole in her heart, she cried for the fact that her soul mate and fiance was gone. But most of all, she cried because her best friend, the person who she trusted most in the world and had given her heart to, was dead. She was so tempted to go to the nearest liquor store and get herself a large bottle of vodka, but she knew that as much as it would dull the pain it wouldn't fix anything. Besides that, she remembered the last time that she had gone to the bottle, how disappointed Harm had been. She didn't want to disappoint him. But she had to do something, she couldn't just sit there and do nothing. She got up and walked aimlessly around the apartment and into the kitchen, thinking of how she could dull the pain. The hurt and anger was building up insider her with every step she took and she eventually got so frustrated that she slammed her fist down hard on the counter -- right on top of a knife that she hadn't seen. She sucked in her breath as she felt the pain in her hand, but strangely enough it wasn't nearly as bad as the pain in her heart, the emotional pain, and she watched, fascinated as the dripped slowly onto the kitchen bench. _Its amazing that such a strange substance can give a person life_, she thought. _How pretty it looks when its just flowing freely_.

Almost unconsciously she picked up the knife and took it with her as she walked back to the living room. She sat on the sofa, staring at the knife in her hands. It would just be so easy...no more having to think about it, no more rage, no more pain. Nothing. It sounded so good. Moving the knife into her uninjured right hand, she held the knife over her left wrist. She placed the tip of the knife on her skin and cut a deep slid into her wrist. It was like fire, but the physical pain was somehow welcomed, making the emotional pain feel less. She watched in awe as the blood flowed freely out, marvelling at he thick red substance which was the essence of her life. She continued to cut, going further up her arm, until there were multiple slashed all the way up the inside of her arm to her elbow. The she changed the knife to the other hand and started work on the other arm. If felt so good. The pain was going so quickly and she was going to be with her Harm soon. The room around her was beginning to go blurry and she was having trouble staying awake. Her eyes fluttered shut and her last thought before giving in to the darkness that was tugging at her consciousness was _I'm going to be with Harm now. We'll see each other soon..._

"MAC!" Clayton Webb pushed open the ajar door to Mac's apartment in time to see her drop unconscious off the sofa onto the floor. He had been sent by AJ Chegwidden to check up on her and it was a good thing too. He grabbed the phone and dialled an ambulance, knowing that if he didn't hurry then she would soon be dead. While he waited for the ambulance to arrive, he found some long bandages in the bathroom cabinet and bound her arms, doing what he could to stop the blood from flowing. The paramedics arrived and he watched as the loaded her onto a stretcher and wheeled her out the door and into the back of the ambulance.

Today I wrote you a poem  
I wrote it with a twist   
I wrote it with a razor blade  
I wrote it on my wrist

The blade was small and narrow  
My heart was filled with pain  
As I wrote the first sentence   
The blade hit a vein

I saw my poem run down my arm  
I saw it drip to the floor  
I saw my poem crawl away   
And run right out the door

I watched my poem drip  
My wrist it was so sore   
I watched my poem fade away  
And then I saw no more

A/N: My first story ever! I was feeling really depressed when I wrote this, so I'm sorry if you find it too sad or emotional. I want to thank Jaimi for inspiring me to write this. She wrote a piece called "I miss my friend" and as she says, one of the best ways of dealing with something is to let your emotions out by expressing yourself with things such as writing or art or anything like that. I wrote this to let out my feelings of various things and it really helped. 

Please review, even if its just to let me know that you read it. I really want to know what you think. On a happier note I am working on a much more cheerful story, definitely a H/M shipper! Its called 'Home is where your best friend is'. Go read it!

BTW: sorry if there are mistakes. I wrote and posted the whole thing within an hour.


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